


The Amazing Fiction Fairy

by Kanra_chan



Series: The fic writers series [2]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Crack, Fanart, Fanfiction, Humor, M/M, Oh god, Oneshot, Sort Of, fairy costumes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 23:24:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14555847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanra_chan/pseuds/Kanra_chan
Summary: Written for a request from Creativia on my story The Way He Writes.Based off an idea from marith- "Welcome! The comment box doesn't allow enough space, you see, so I had you kidnapped in order to explain just how MANY things are wrong with your story. You might as well sit down, the door is locked. For starters..."





	The Amazing Fiction Fairy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Creativia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creativia/gifts), [marith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marith/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Way He Writes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14052006) by [Kanra_chan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanra_chan/pseuds/Kanra_chan). 



> IT'S 3AM AND I AM SO TIRED, BUT I GOT YOUR REQUEST, CREATIVIA, AND I COULDN'T RESIST. LOOK I EVEN DREW FANART FOR IT
> 
> AND GUESS WHAT I FIGURED OUT HOW TO ADD IMAGES!!!! FINALLY FINALLY!!

Yuki squirmed in her bonds, utterly terrified. Her wrists were tied securely behind her back, along with ropes looping around her arms and legs, securing her to her seat. To top it off, her mouth was sealed by two crossed pieces of duct-tape. She’d struggled, at first, but in the end she hadn’t been strong enough.

Oh, god, this was it. This was how she’d die. Her parents would find her body, mutilated and tarnished, either still tied to the chair or, worse, as a bloody heap somewhere else in their house. Maybe stuffed somewhere hidden-like the air vent or the chimney, and wouldn’t be found till she started to smell.

It would be open casket, she thinks, going by her captors sinister smirk. He looks to be a real pervert, too, dressed in all black-save for the cheap costume fairy wings strapped to his shirt and the plastic gold wand he’s been waving around. Not to mention those god awful, fake fuzzy antenna atop his head…for some reason.

Maybe he got off on kidnapping girls while looking as ridiculous as possible.

Oh god, this isn’t how she wanted to go! Was this punishment for something? Just who was this guy? His face isn’t covered, and as she observes him, she thinks he looks a bit familiar...

“Yuki-chan, isn’t it?” The man suddenly purrs, prancing forward to bop the star at the end of his wand lightly against the tip of her nose. “Or, shall I say, ShizyaLuver69?”

_...huh?_

She stares blankly at the man in shock, and it takes her a few moments to realize what he’s referring to. ShizayaLuver69-that’s her Ao3 username! How in the hell did he know that? And, more importantly, why?

Oh god, oh god, maybe she’s paying for her sins! All those nights, and all those nosebleeds, reading sinfully fluffy fics and even sinfuller (was that a word?) smut… this was God’s punishment! She nods slowly, mostly because she’ afraid of what he’ll do to her if he tries to deny it.

“Aha, I knew it!” The man exclaimed, snapping his fingers gleefully. “Hello there, I’m the Fiction Fairy! Here to educate you on all the ways your writing is just _terrible_.” He starts to root around in his bag-surely for a blunt instrument to beat her with- smirking to himself as he does. After a moment, he fishes out a large stack of papers and thrusts them in her face triumphantly.

“Do you recognize this, Yuki-chan?”

She does. It’s her very first Fanfiction, written only two days ago and uploaded only after she took the time to summon courage. She’s quite proud of it, honestly. Although the title, ‘What Was Always Meant To Be’ was admittedly a little cheesy.

Hesitantly she nods again, cheeks reddening a bit in embarrassment. What a strange murder this was turning out be. Was he perhaps the world's first Fanfiction killer, hunting down ametur authors and punishing them for their yaoi-tastic obsessions? What a way to go!

“Mm, of course you do,” he chuckles darkly. “Ahh, Yuki-chans very first fic… and I had the honor to star in it! It’s almost like I’ve taken your virginity.” He winks, and she flushes harder.

“Let’s get down to business, shall we? Where to start, where to start...ah, here we are. Paragraph one, sentence two.” He pulls a chair out from the kitchen table, wooden legs scraping against the tile, jarringly loud. He dusts off the seat and sits, crossing his long legs and shifting to free one of his cheap costume wings when it gets caught behind him.

“Ehem… _‘Izaya sighed to himself, looking out the window with great lounging.’_ Lounging? I think you meant longing,” the strange man informs her. She can only owlishly as he continues, trying to figure out where in life she went wrong.

Was he… was he really just here to point out her mistakes? Her mistakes in fanfiction no less??

“-and here! _'He was filled with hot, wonton lust for the blonde bartender.'_   Wonton? Seriously? Seriously.” He gives her a stern look, similar to that of a disappointed father. “I am not a dumpling, Yuki-chan, I am a man. And the word is wanton.”

‘Oh what fresh hell,’ she thinks to herself, squirming in her seat again. If only she could just loosen the ropes and escap-wait!

“Mmfph!” The man pauses, looking up as she cries out through the duck-tape.

“Yes?”

“Mmuu?”

“Hmm? I’m afraid I don’t understand.” He frowns, looking back down at the paper, ready to ignore her and continue.

“MMMPH!!” She cried louder, drowning out his attempts to keep talking.

“Fine! Fine,” he sighs, leaning forward to rip the tape off. She shrieks in pain, to his further irritation.

“Y-you?” She gasps, gaping at him. “Are you... are you saying that you’re...I-Izaya Orihara?”

“The one and only,” he, Izaya, purrs. She feels herself blushing red from the tips of her toes to the top of her head, buzzing with newfound adrenaline and embarrassment.

“Oh, God,” she mutters, actively praying for death now. “Ooh _God_ …”

“And, on that note, let’s talk about how incredibly out of character I am!”

“Oh dear God in heaven, please, _please_ help me-”

“-First of all, I would never ask Shizu-chan to, ahem, _‘use my slutty kitten hole, please, Shizu-sama-’”_

“Oh God,oh Jesus, someone, anyone, please, please, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry-” she keeps going, chanting derangedly to herself as he just keeps talking. It almost feels like he’s used to this, which is probably most disturbing of all.

“Second of all, just, no to Shizuo being “15 inches long and 7 inches wide,” because let me tell you, Yuki-chan, that is just so unrealistic. And my character is a virgin! And you didn’t even have him stretch me.” There’s that disappointed look again. “I mean, c’mon, what do you think my asshole is made of? Elastic? Rubber? No, no it most certainly is not.”

_“-PleasepleaseI’msorryI’msorry,please,pleaseGodplease-”_

“And, third, how many times do you think one man can orgasm in, what, 20 minutes? Because 12 is much too excessive. Not to say that my stamina is bad,” he amends, shifting to cross his legs the other way, making himself comfortable. “But, seriously, I’d be dead. Shizuo would be fucking a corpse. Is that your fetish, Yuki-chan? Necrophilia? Goodness, the things kids are into nowadays-”

Needless to say, she never wrote another fanfic again.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments fuel me!!!!! 
> 
> <3


End file.
